How to Escape: Spoilers

Photo by Scott Umstattd on Unsplash

Spoiler season is upon us: whether it’s Game of Thrones, Avengers: Endgame, RuPaul’s Drag Race, or any shred of information about Star Wars IX, getting through the day without being bombarded by spoilers of all shapes and sizes is practically impossible. You might even say that living a spoiler-free life is inescapable.

Well, fortunately for you, we here at Can You Escape? know a thing or two about getting out of things. In our media-heavy world where we pick up our phones 55 times a day on average, it’s incredibly easy to stumble across sensitive information. That’s why our agents have compiled a list of six perfectly reasonable and achievable ways to avoid spoilers. Let’s get right into it.

📵 THROW YOUR PHONE IN THE RIVER: You don’t need that hunk of junk.

If you have to tackle a problem, then tackle it at the root. Never mind that Kevin from HR keeps putting big Xs over the eyes of people who die on the Game of Thrones poster at work, it’s our phones that do the majority of the spoiling nowadays. You might think you can scroll safely through the quagmire of runway looks and trailer breakdowns, but it’s only a matter of time until you see something that you don’t want to see. We call it ‘Zuckerberg’s Law’: that, given enough time, the chance of finding a spoiler reaches infinity. Unfortunately we’ve yet to devise a nuanced method of avoiding spoilers from your phone, so we suggest lobbing it into the nearest river. You should probably cover your ears as it glugs below the surface, since the frying of its circuits might accidentally trigger an episode recap that starts with “Turns out Arya was actually Dany the whole time.”

🥡 DON’T COMMUNICATE EXCEPT THROUGH FOOD: Isn’t that the language of love, anyway?

Let’s face it, you can’t trust anyone. They might not even mean to spoil the result of that Lip Sync, but it’s not their fault that Yvie Oddly is the logical endpoint of any conversation. That’s why we suggest communicating only through food. Here are a few to get you started:

Fish and Chips = Shall we go to the beach today?
Steak Tartare = I’ve had a tough week at the office.
Salt and Vinegar Crisps = I don’t think this is working out.

Do note: Alphabetti Spaghetti is strictly to be avoided.

📺 HATCH A DASTARDLY PLOT TO TAKE OVER ALL TV SCREENS: Who’s got square eyes now?

So-called experts say that television is on the way out, but with the rise of streaming nowhere is safe and TVs are the loudest voices. And I know this won’t be ideal, but the only way to stop it is to become a supervillain who takes over all screens, overwriting any possible spoilers that might otherwise arise. You know, like Screenslaver from The Incredibles 2, who eventually turns out to be… Yikes! That was a close one.

🐦 DELETE TWITTER AND LOOK AFTER A COLONY OF WILD PIGEONS INSTEAD: This suggestion sponsored by one-hit wonder Coo and the Gang.

Twitter is great. In fact, you should go and follow us right now at @CYE_York and @CanYouEscape. But one of the greatest benefits of Twitter -- the retweet, which expands your horizons and provides a variety of perspectives on the news of the day -- is also its greatest curse. You have no control over what gets retweeted into your timeline. What if you whip out your phone to distract yourself while Kevin from HR rants about how Thor is clearly stronger than Anti-Thor, and idly scroll through Twitter, only to find that it’s replete with confirmations of who’s died, who’s got the gauntlet, and whose movie contract has been dramatically cut short? The only solution is to delete Twitter entirely, but we know that humans need birds in their lives, so why not abandon society to live with wild pigeons instead? Another benefit is that the eggs of actual birds don’t yell abuse at you, nor do they #MAGA.

🗑️ PUT YOUR HEAD IN A BUCKET: The low-budget solution.

To be honest, this one does all the work for you: you can’t look at your phone, we can promise no one will talk to you, and best of all you won’t be able to eat any of that accursed Alphabetti Spaghetti! Downsides: you won’t be able to do or eat anything.

🔐 PLAY AN ESCAPE ROOM: Why didn’t we think of this earlier?

If you aren’t willing to commit to any of the more definitive solutions above, maybe you just want to take short breaks from the world of spoilers. Breaks of, perhaps, an hour at a time. Our escape rooms give you the chance to immerse yourself in a story and a place where you’ll have absolutely no chance of spoiling something -- except for the plans of the evil villain you set out to thwart! Every second counts, so there’s no time to check Twitter, and nothing you can Google can possibly help you, so there’s no reason to touch your phone at all. In fact, now that we think about it, this is by far the best way to avoid spoilers. Well, except maybe the bucket.

Good luck. It’s a spoiler-eat-spoiler world out there.